Some perfectly sane and practical self-defense alternatives

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We all know the world is getting a little bit crazy. The nutjobs are coming out of the woodworks. Carjackings, kidnapping, home invasions, and murders are on the news daily. It is time to arm yourself. For those who do not want to be like everyone else carrying a boring old Glock, or keep a standard Mossberg model 500 by the bed we have some suggestions to make protecting yourself more interesting. Try these alternatives. While not for everyone, those people who do use these tools will make sure the bad guys crap their pants. Note: Check local regulations before using flamethrowers on carjackers,


Totally legal to own in the U.S. As with everything on this list check your state and local regulations before employing for self-defense. There are several models to choose from. For concealed carry usage we suggest the X42-m from Ion productions under a trenchcoat. those are harder to find these days due to some issues with the company but still available. For something nice to have on those occasions when you need to ” Pop the Trunk” the larger XL-18 from is perfect.


In 221 BCE, the Chinese Assassin Wei Yu slew the first Emperor of China , Qin Shi Huang , with a spear. They work, we all know they work and they will fuck you up. You need a bit of room for this so its not great for vehicle defense and almost impossible to carry concealed so you DO lose the element of surprise. Here are some of our suggestions for spears.

M48 Cyclone Spear

The M48 cyclone is an infamous knife designed to create wounds that are hard to close and offer maximum bleeding. They came up the great idea to put that already over the top blade design on a spear. We suggest not using this on burglars in rooms with decent carpet. Buy one Here

Cold Steel 95BOASK Boar Spear

For those who prefer a more retro look to your home defense tools Cold Steel offers the 95boask Boar Spear. Wild boars are said to sometimes keep charging even when impaling themselves on a blade. Boar spears like this one have two “lugs” or “wings” on the spearsocket behind the blade, to prevent the boar from running itself up the blade to reach the hunter. That should also work for criminals. Get yours now

Cressi Cherokee Speargun

For those who do not want to touch an assailant with a 7-foot pole we suggest a speargun. Like the Cressi Cherokee.

Enhanced Knives and Cutting tools

Knives are indispensable everyday tools and everyone should carry at least one. The normal daily carry variety of knives are frequently unsuitable for serious self-defense use. The following have some added features that make them a better choice for that usage.

WASP Injection Knife

There are some people out there who are only going to get pissed off if you stab them with a normal knife. That will not be the case if you stab them with the WASP. This somebeech injects compressed gas into the wound makes a hole the size of a basketball INSIDE the wound and is supposed to be able to drop a bear in its tracks. It is sold as a diving knife but they make sure you know it works just fine on dry land.

“This weapon injects a freezing cold ball of compressed gas, approximately the size of a basketball, at 800psi nearly instantly. The effects of this injection will drop many of the world’s largest land predators. The effects of the compressed gas not only cause over-inflation during ascent when used underwater, but also freezes all tissues and organs surrounding the point of injection on land”

Dewalt DCCS620P1 cordless chainsaw

Hang one of these bad boys by your bedroom door and never worry about noises in the house at night again. The only drawback is this one does not have the roar of a gas-powered chainsaw. The sight of you in your underwear brandishing a chainsaw will still give any surviving intruders nightmares for life.


37 mm ” flare launcher”

You can get these in all different styles and configurations. They are legal and they fire explosive projectiles, balls of fire, smoke grenades, and can be adapted to fire 12 gauge shells. Perfect for the 4th of July and making criminals crap their pants.

Giant Robots

While the ebay auction for this 15-Ton 2-Story Tall Gasoline Powered Car-Smashing Piloted Giant Battle Robot is over, more are sure to show up. The popularity of battle robots ensures a robust upcoming ” used killer robot market” . If used correctly this might be the most potent self-defense system available . – note: not to be sold to supervillains.

Pet Jaguars

Everyone and their brother has a ” guard dog” . Dogs do not scare anyone these days. Pick up a ” Guard Jaquar” and they will regulate the stealing right off of your property fast.

Gattling Gun

The originals are still available but it is much cheaper and easier to use one of the conversion kits for 10/22 rifles. Set one up pointed at your front door. When intruders arrive just flip over the couch and start turning the crank.

Employing these tools will show intruders you mean business, but it will also ensure the robbery attempt you foiled will make headline news. if it becomes a trend to spear burglars, we MIGHT start seeing those crime rates go down. Good luck and stay safe out there. –

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